Most Common Submissive’s Problems and How to Avoid Them

When you’re new to something, you probably make mistakes. The same is applied to BDSM. Many newbie-submissives, as well as bottoms and masochists, face specific problems that spoil their fun. In this article, we will explore the top 6 newbie subs mistakes and learn how to avoid them.

1. They expect real scenes to be like in their fantasies

The kink isn’t something you can read about in magazines or see in your ordinary life. You mostly draw inspiration from fiction and movies. Regardless of the quality of these media products you probably won’t get the real sense of what the kink is. Many people go into the kink with a certain fantasy about how it will look, and the reality rarely matches that idea. Actually, there is a small chance that reality will meet your fantasy expectations.

How to avoid the problem: Before stepping into the kink, put aside your exaggerated expectations. All those people in fancy outfits and expensive lingerie aren’t what you will necessarily see at the themed event. What you probably will see are average people doing different things, something will be interesting and something will be not. Just go to the party to have fun and meet people.

2. They stick to one thing

Many newbie subs stick to the specific role as a pet or a little girl/boy, and plan to act it out forever. However, chances are that what you select in your head before starting the scene won’t be the thing you enjoy doing for a long term. When you tell yourself, ‘I won’t do other kinks because I’m this one’, you limit your possibilities and deny the chances to experience other things. You just stay in your bubble, while in real life submissives can do multiple styles. They can be bottoms, serving subs, masochists, and tops who like to switch to a sub’s style.

How to avoid the problem: Try new things, be open to new experience, and let yourself explore multiple aspects of your personality before sticking to what you really like and what you would like doing long-term.

3. They are trapped by an idea of a “perfect submissive”

This problem comes from exaggerated expectation rooted in stereotypes you see in media. You may think that the perfect sub should wear a specific outfit or perform certain actions, or even endure a specific level of pain. However, everyone has their own submissive styles. When you read about what a submissive is like, with all those advices and descriptions, treat them as a checklist rather than requirements. Being submissive doesn’t necessarily mean that you can’t express your thoughts and speak about what you feel. Subs can be authoritative and that’s okay.

How to avoid the problem: You don’t have to follow all those recommendations you come across on internet, instead discuss the submission with your dominant partner. How would they see you in this role? You may not include all those restrictions that come with the submissive style, but customize the scene according to your personal needs as a couple.

4. They have no limits on their way to become a better sub

Even if you have read much about specific kinks and step into the scene believing that everything about those kinks looks like fun for you, but you have never actually tried anything, there is a high likelihood that you don’t know your limits.

How to avoid this problem: Start exploring kinks gradually without rush. Take one kink at a time and test them. Try to start with the comfortable areas, with something light, such as wearing a blindfold or a hood and trying wax play or spanking. Embrace the feelings, realize what you like and what you dislike. Explore what matches your expectations and try to expand your limits in chosen areas. Don’t say that you don’t have limits. Instead say that you’re just figuring out what works for you.

5. They think about the safe word as a way to disappoint their dominant

It may happen with the new dom who suddenly slaps you too intensely or does things that push you outside your comfort zone. You might feel that you can’t enjoy the game, but are afraid to interrupt it. Newbie subs may hesitate and have that inner monologue whether they need to stop the game. If you act like that, your further exploration of kinks might be less and less fun. Every sub should practice saying the safe word without the shame. When you push beyond your limits to impress doms you probably won’t develop a positive experience with kinks.

How to avoid the problem:  Practice saying the safe word from the first practice session with your trusted partner to make it easier for you to use it later as you step further into the kink word. Never do anything just to impress people. BDSM must be the mutually enjoyable.

6. They stick to the idea of the perfect dominant

Dominants are humans with bad days and issues, fears and triggers. Many doms are afraid to reveal their true selves because the subs may have those false expectations and fantasies about them as super humans. Dominants can cry and feel vulnerable, and that doesn’t make them worse dominants or less perfect. And you as a sub should be prepared for that.

How to avoid the problem:  If you see a dominant’s vulnerability, always remember that there are high chances that the dom doesn’t do it often, and you are privileged to share that sensitive moment with them. Again, put aside your fantasies about how dominants should be and embrace the reality where dominants can make mistakes just like other human beings.

Conclusion

We hope these tips will help you break through some misconceptions and start exploring the world of kinks and BDSM with fun and acceptance of reality rather than over fantasized aspects that are far from what you can expect.

You may also like our article about bondage equipment for beginners. If you want to learn more about subs, check out our review on types of submissives.

Also, we invite you to explore a variety of BDSM accessories and leather lingerie on our website.